Long time no see

Actually I am again reading my blog after some 2 years...
Used to love it when I used to blog.. Because i could speak whatever I felt..  I have returned back after 2 years.. Hopefully wiser.

In a sad continuation of what was with my beautiful. We broke up in 2011.
Since then i have been a deadman walking. We broke up due to my timidness, due to me thinking more of what would happen and whether I can handle it.. rather than thinking how awesome my life would have been with my beautiful.

I am working.. Earning reasonably well for myself. Staying in Hyderabad my hometown. Everything should be fine right.. Well it is not. The smile I wear at office, the smile i wear with friends my expressions of happiness everything is a mask. I am a deadman walking and I have a plastic smile.

I have diverted my attention cracking through UPSC prelims in my first attempt and also hopefully mains too.. I have often felt vengeful, anger and frustration. I have felt snarly. But I can never bear to harm anything my beautiful has or loved. I will continue to live with her memories hoping that someone will come in future and wipe those memories clean. I hope someone pulls me out of the mess I am in. There is something which pushes me away from every women I meet so that I now often end up in friends or brother zone rather than the lovers zone :P

I have actually lost the ability to indulge in sweet talk and making women feel comfortable.. All any women gets even if they speak politely is a gruff yes, no or similar single worded reply. Not that i hate them but it is just that they bring me back to my beautiful.

My beautiful I have never loved anyone like i loved you.. But as you were not destined to be mine nor I yours..well we broke up amicably.. But there is a large space in my heart that became empty. Surely someone will come to fill the spot up. I just hope that they don't find it too untidy or cluttered with sadness and madness :)

Taking Leave and hopefully finding a way to write optimistic posts again .

The long Strider

Now that I have decided that I will continue for some longer regarding travelogues, Let me get on with my next book. Well It is a little known and probably not that well known book by the name "The long strider". Authored by Sarayu Srivatsa and Dom Moraes it is a travelogue set in mid 17th century. The time when King Henry the sixth ruled England, and Jehangir ruled India.
This book traces the footsteps of Thomas Coryate a English explorer who walked his way into India from England, walking on from France, Germany, Italy, onwards through the Arabian peninsula, passing through the badlands of Afghanistan and finally to India.
He explores the different places like Kashi, Agra, Ajmer, Surat, Rishikesh, Haridwar and so on. He speaks the language of the native Indian but he thinks as a westerner. He speaks of the multitude of religions, the social system, the agricultural system and rulers. He also speaks of mundane things like food, weather, clothing and so on enabling the reader to portray in his imagination. Finally he dies near Surat having decided on going to England but falling for the dreaded diarrhea.

All in all a great book. The writers notes during the travels are also included and it provides a contrast between how it was then and how it is now. The reading style is a bit boring and so I would say not the best choice If you are choosing it as a first time read.

Well this post is just about the travelogue I am reading. I just completed it.
It is titled " Smokes and mirrors" . It is authored by Pallavi Aiyar and It is about her seven years stay in china from 2004 onwards.
I was eagerly waiting for the book and eventually I found it my college library. I liked her articles which used to come in the Sunday Magazine which comes with the Sunday edition of The Hindu.
It deals with her experience living in China witnessing the change as china passed through events like SARS, The Beijing Olympics and everything.

Till now most of the travelogues we read are all written by western writers and It truly offers a different view of china. The view from the eyes of a Indian.

Optimism

The optimistic mood was slightly marred for a couple of days turning me pessimistic and snarly.
When i am in a snarly mood which is itself a rarity I snarl at everyone, talk in a cryptic way, bug people, loathe interference.
Luckily I have a great actually awesome band of friends. living in a hostel with no hope of seeing your siblings and parents for 6 months makes my wingies (as people in the same wing of hostel are called) your family.We go out together for eating, for those night snacks, play games, sometimes just chitchat. This is itself a stress buster.
Once I am out of my snarly mood I feel weird because I might have hurt someone close to me and that person might be doing a good job keeping up with it. I might have uttered something nonsensical which again hurts sometimes. SO I have devised my very own control process of channelizing my anger playing "Call of duty".
For those of you who don't know It is the most awesome game invented. It is a FPS shooter game and post some on laptop violence i feel considerably better. I am a pacifist by ideology but I do admit there has to be some way to channelize the hurt and this is my way.

But again back to optimism..
optimism makes you believe there is a bright future ahead. It causes you to innovate have a positive outlook to life.
I remember this paragraph of a well known Hindi song a best suited one I would say.
Hum hain rahi pyaar ke,
chalna apna kaam,
Pal bhar main ho jaayege,
Har mushkil aasan,
Hausala na haarenge,
hum toh baazi maarenge.

My Co-instructorship back when in hyderabad this summer

I have seen many people especially because I am in the field of would be " so- called probable educators of Engineering students" ( I hate the word lecturer, makes you seem like an old guy) most of them have made this choice for various reasons. Mostly not with teaching in mind.
Because of this any of the professional works that we do my friends seem to relate it to teaching. I justify it saying that it gives me an opportunity to observe an organization from an instructor's perspective.
I was a Professional assistant the previous semester and so naturally when I applied for co-instructorship in summer break I got it. i was supposed to report to my In-charge Prof BN Murthy from BITS Hyderabad campus on May 24th. I got to Jeedimetla from my aunt's place where I was staying. I found the company where I was supposed to work after roaming in the may sun at 11 for close to an hour. Then came the students.

I got 10 students. 4 of them were from Hyderabad campus, 4 from Goa campus and 2 from Pilani campus. I was pretty uncomfortable at the start having never had handled anythin like this because my Professional assiatant experience the previous sem was in classroom environment but this was in industrial environment.

But then the company people started of the classes and the first one month just went in a blur. The company people were supposed to teach them and show them how things actually move in a company.(I got co-instructorship in a gear manufacturing firm). i was expected to teach them the technical stuff so my work involved finding and planning in advance.
Finally came the turn of projects.These were discussed before hand with my students.. By that time there was no more weirdness in the relationship and they had come to accept me as one among their own. Well after all I am just 2 years their senior. Eventually we had 3 great projects.

One project documented an entire lifecycle of a gearbox right from the stage material is supplied in form of billets and blanks. Second project involved the documentation and revamping their MIS. Third project involved developing a far more better website for them than the one they currently used.
Once the projects were done and reports were submitted it was the time to say adieu. I had grown close to my students because we were together for 5-6 hours a day 6 days a week for two months.That was also my first experience in a reasonable position of authority. We decided to celebrate for the sake of future and we went to Hotel Swagath in Kukatpally. Post lunch we wished each other luck. Because no one know when you will probably meet them next.

I will remember forever this experience.

Optimism - A cup that should always be overflowing

Today i feel optimistic.. Like I never felt atleast in recent times.

It is not because I have achieved something.. Not even that I am confident that I will be or become something in future.

I just read an article in today's " The Hindu". I subscribe to that. I believe that It is probably the best English newspaper in India. It is non judgmental and lets the users form their own opinion.

It was about how humans are inherently social and good by large.
The circumstances make us what we are at that particular point.


Just the feeling that though this is supposedly "Kalyug" and It is one man to himself.. Especially when everyone is talking about how competitive the world is often we wonder whether goodness is lost out.. And add to that my placement semester.. Drives you nuts..

But just the fact that people are inherently good means that people do have a 2nd chance once they know that they have made a mistake.

I know my dreams. And I also the problems with doing that. Well i dream of working in NGO's for betterment of society. I am a environmental nut. I would love to travel.

but when I joined engineering I had made an commitment to myself. I will do whatever I want with my own money. Call it independent or anything.

So that pushes back these things by 30 years or so.
But yes I certainly will travel . I will volunteer and work in developing the society. As far as environment is concerned small measures like using tube lights, switching them off when not in use, refraining from using plastics, promoting local foods etc should be fine.

My beautiful

Back in the next sem.... my pre final sem in the campus of BITS pilani.. like it r not..

new hostel.. a cubby hole single room.. very dirtily maintained of course....

Also the resolution to speak truth with the only person i feel that attraction.. even i don't know whether i am in love or not...
Today somehow i feel only to talk about her.. No personals discussed of course..

When she talks it is the sound of guitar in my ears... and i barely saw her face to face fr 3-4 hours in past 5 years.. but talkto her for an hour almost everyday...

I fell in trance.. in love with her voice.. didn't care how beautiful she would be. When i saw her for the first time.. she was like the most beautiful thing in the whole world.. like god took an entire day and made the masterpiece.

I don't expect her to love me. I don't her to even care for me.. But all I know is that I cannot see her in grief..I can't see her worry.. I fear for her more than I fear for myself. I cannot see her facing even a wee bit of pain.

If this is what love means- giving and caring for a person unconditionally I believe I am in love. But I will propose only when I will prove myself worthy of her. Be in a position to care for her..

With this this topic ends...